misty mundae: date. mate. mutilate.

I’ve been gorging myself on all kinds of  indie horror the past few weeks, and most recently Full Moon’s seminal Subspecies series.  Sometimes I don’t give homegrown cinema it’s rightful due, so I wanted to do a piece on some of the standout stars (well, to me, anyway) and wondered who to start with. Curvaceous, witty, and all-around sassy Erin Brown, aka Misty Mundae, came to mind. She’s wrapped me in her clutches on many occasions, with an almost Cristina-Lindberg-esque charm, which keeps you wanting more. Whether, high camp or high art, she’s got a way of (not to sound completely cheesy) ‘making love to the camera’, its almost claustrophobic, yet comforting.  I mean, with distinct classics like Lord of the G-Strings and Shock-O-Rama under your belt, how can you miss the mark?  Actress, model, filmmaker, and former softcore starlet, and now a cult icon. This gorgeous bisexual vegetarian vixen has starred in over 50 low budget indie masterpieces to date.

Brown’s early career was spent with porn film production label Factory 2000, afterwards signing an exclusive contract with E.I. Independent Cinema, under the stage name  Misty Mundae. She dove headfirst into a juicy role in the Columbine tragedy inspired Duck! The Carbine High Massacre, in early 2000, and also wrote, directed, and starred in a remake of Director Nick Phillips’ 1969 softcore classic, Lustful Addiction. She made her way to France for the US/French co-production of Vampire of Notre Dame, which was later peddled very successfully by Seduction Cinema, under the alternate title An Erotic Vampire in Paris.

In late 2003, she began ventured deeper into the horror film industry headlining features for E.I. Independent Cinema’s horror division, Shock-O-Rama Cinema. Some of her best features sprang from that union, such as Splatter Beach, Bite Me!, and Chantal. Frankly, with titles like the ones below, you have to know they’re gems of the highest order! The ‘special effects’ (more like special people effects) makeup in PlayMate of the Apes alone is worth the price of admission.

The following year, Erin released a short film titled Voodoun Blues, direct-to-dvd through Shock-O-Rama Cinema. This feature won Best Short Film on the college filmfest circuit . This B/W 16mm film features a voluptuous black magic maiden performing some malevolent voodoo rituals, seeking retribution from a reclusive ex-lover (Misty Mundae). Her magical motives are ambiguous at best, as the vindictive priestess hexes her victim in dreams, in consciousness, and ultimately in death. It’s extremely avant-garde in feel, featuring a classic retro vibe, and pseudo-expressionistic style. The use of stop-motion cinematography gives the film a surreal look, which gave me the willies. You can purchase it as a DVD-EP from amazon.com, with the following goodies included: Interview with Misty Mundae (August 2004), ‘Making Blues’ – the recording of the Voudon Blues soundtrack, ‘Sour Milk’ – a short film by Joe Miller, ‘Night of the Whorror Hoppers’ – a short film by Katie Bordeaux, Misty Mundae Trailer Reel, and a nifty limited edition Misty Mundae Collectible Postcard.

Erin decided it was time to move on, and sold the ‘Misty Mundae’ name rights to E.I. Independent Cinema, and retired from spicy films to pursue a mainstream acting career. She was recently seen starring opposite Angela Bettis, in an episode of Showtime’s ‘Masters of Horror’ series entitled Sick Girl. A bookish entomologist’s mundame life is changed by the simultaneous arrival of a large, mysterious bug and a torrid affair with a sexy young woman. But when the bizarre insect chooses a shocking place to secretly feed, Sapphic ecstasy turns to infection, mutation and murder. Will these lesbian lovers let a venomous threesome tear them apart, or is the most horrific metamorphosis of all yet to come? A must-see for trash fans, trust.

Erin was so successful in her reach that Sci-Fi Weekly magazine included Misty Mundae on their list of “Living Horror Icons” with the charming subtitle “the ones whose movies you might pay to see or rent, the ones you’d stand in line to shake hands with, or to snag an autograph from”  along with Robert Englund, Linda Blair, Elvira, and Jamie Lee Curtis. With a fully loaded DVD re-release of spandextastic Spiderbabe in the works, be sure to keep your collective peppers peeled!

 

 

Tao TV: The Fearless Duo

I’m psyched to report that many older Hong Kong TVB dramas are becoming available on All Region NTSC DVD, and with surprisingly, ‘grammatically correct’ English subtitles. I’ve been scooping up the best of the bunch as they hit the shelves lately. There aren’t many yet, but the classics are getting their due, and it’s about time. This time, we’ve got some primo hocus pocus. Talisman-waving Taoist priests, Oddly dressed villains, black magic mumbo-jumbo, and some sugary sweet romance to boot. I present, The Fearless Duo.

The duo in question: Lam Chor-yin, spritely daughter of the town magistrate (Barbara Yung Mei Ling) and Szeto Man-mo, dashing kung-fu adept  son of an army general (Michael Miu Kiu Wai). After some time-wasting ‘woman dressed as a man’ shenanigans (completely obvious, but seemingly done countless times for comedy relief) they’re forced into an arranged marriage by their parents, and despite their pleadings, they submit. Man wants out and causes Yin to be driven out, and divorced the very next morning. Man splits town, and as would be expected, Yin tails him on his adventures, hoping first for swift revenge, and then, another chance at love. Yin happens to know a little magic, taught by her elderly auntie, so she’s got some tricks up her sleeve when in trouble. These two really have some great small screen chemistry, and it was a pleasure watching them interact.

Their tragic romance unfolds underneath the main umbrella story of good-hearted Supreme Master Tin Xi, being dethroned as high priest by a cackling freak with weird fright wig and an equally dumb name, Evil Head.  I’m sure a ‘lil something was lost in the translation. Supreme Master decides to hit the road, to buy some time until his wounds are healed from his defeat by Evil Head. ‘Disguised’ (if you count the exact same costume, plus a ‘lil hat a disguise) as Uncle Supreme, he joins a traveling opera troupe as their assistant. At the same time, Man-mo joins the troupe as well, seeing it the perfect opportunity to escape Yin, and falls for the troupe’s diva, Sis Fung (the lovely Agnes Chiang). I knew there’d be something fishy about her right away, and to everyone’s surprise, she is in fact, Fa Ying Fung, one of Evil Head’s three pupils of the black arts! …cue eerie music and colored smoke.

After a few attempts to take Man’s life, they fall for each other. Trying to conceal her identity, she darts out at nightfall, to worship the dark forces. But, Uncle Supreme can smell a rat, and calls her out on it. Ka-Pow!! This girl can really kick ass! She’s got laser beams and some hefty cosmic whoop-ass at her disposal, as well as some great kung-fu leg moves! I thought for a few minutes that she was Shaw Brothers star, Kara Hui Ying-hung. Despite uncovering her secret, Man is hopelessly devoted to her, and spurs Yin’s warnings left and right. She just doesn’t give up on her ex,  and tries desperately to save him from her evil clutches. In the end, Supreme Master intervenes and swiftly chops Fung down, despite Man’s pleadings. She crumbles to ashes and we are treated to a sickly sweet video montage of their love scenes, ick.

From there on, Man-mo begrudgingly becomes Uncle Supreme’s pupil in Taoist magic.  Learning helpful tricks like shooting cartoon fireballs, hailing rain showers, building a prayer altar with the snap of his fingers, (apparently super important) and some darned cool kung-fu moves, such as ‘Holographic Image’, which allows one to teleport to confuse your opponent during battle. Done with the most bargain basement special effects TVB had to offer, I was still happily satisfied. Dodgy laser effects of the 80′s are really quite charming, especially accompanied by the blaring bleeps and bloops of it’s ‘space age’ soundtrack.

Along the way, we’re treated to some jazzy plot twists and cultural anecdotes, …some loopy, but some quite engaging. Our tasty televised dim sum menu is as follows:

1. Uncle Supreme and Man-mo venture on and come across a lonely forest urchin, Tung Yee, who falls madly in love with our hero, creating a lopsided love triangle. She means well, but causes some comedic misunderstandings due to her naive nature. Oddly, her character disappears after a major plot twist, hmmm.

2. Speaking of love triangles, we’ve got the Chief Constable lusting after Yin, from the start. He’s a kind, but dim-witted cop who cannot let go of his unrequited love. Time and time again, Yin spurns him, but he keeps trying. Eventually, he goes insane and captures the happy couple, and tries to burn them alive, only Man-mo’s magic rain shower can save the day, but unfortunately not the cop’s sanity, poor guy.

3. There seems to be a vampire on the loose in a small rural village. Ends up being a pair of  greedy con-men posing as righteous priests. There seems to be only one cure to the bite of the faux-vamp, and it’s an expensive herb sold only by the cons. Swindling the villagers makes for one mean Man-mo. After he pretends to be bitten, in order to expose the crooks, he’s fed the ‘cure’ (snake poison!) by the naïve Tung Yee. Can Yin find an antidote stronger than her love in time?

4. Yin’s banker cousin, the widow Yan, is cursed by her scheming father-in-law with a demonic pregnancy. In an interesting aside, we learn about the ancient custom of a ‘chastity plaque’ bestowed on wealthy widows. They were not allowed to ever remarry, and if caught in an ‘adulterous affair’, being disgraced, they’d be drowned. Women are expected to remain ‘virtuous’ throughout their lives, despite their loss, ho-hum. So, when Yan’s belly unexpectedly expands, demonic drama ensues. Evil Uncle wants to expose her as a whore at the plaque unveiling ceremony, and regain control of the bank. Can Uncle Supreme save the day once again?

5. All seems well, and Man-mo & Yin finally rekindle their romance, and are re-married. During the wedding reception, Sky Heart, Evil Head’s #1 pupil attends, disguised as the Chief  Constable. While trying to stab Man-mo with a flying dagger, Yin accidentally is punctured instead and dies! Take down the wedding lanterns, and raise the funerary pyres, here come the tears. After 18 long episodes, heroine Yin has bit the big one. But all is not lost. During an elaborate magic ritual, Man-mo must fend off the Hell Guardians and rescue Yin’s soul before dawn, in order to bring her back to life. After a freak mishap, her soul (in the form of a cricket) is captured by Evil Head and Man-mo goes ape-shit.

His only option,  learn Evil Head’s black magic in order to combat him with his own tactics. In doing so, Man-mo transforms into a vampiric madman, uncontrollably craving blood at odd hours of the night. If he can control it long enough to save Yin, it’s all worth it to him.

He succeeds and brings Yin back, but his metamorphosis continues and he must be stopped. The solution? Death. Uncle Supreme decides that if killed, they can regain his soul, like they did Yin’s with the elaborate ‘soul catching’ ceremony. Will it work? Better watch and find out, heh.

I’m hardly a romantic sap, but just hearing the first few lines of its theme song “Who Can Change” sung by Alan Tam, brings the tearies right back to my peepers everytime. It’s a great lil ditty and totally fits the downbeat mood of the series.

Art imitates life, and life imitates art, …soon after filming this supernatural series, Barbara Yung tragically passed on.  A deadly dose of gas inhalation. Found by fellow actor Stephen Chiau, in her Kowloon apartment, the masses were shocked. There were many rumors regarding the cause of her death. Some had attributed it to an accident, suicide or perhaps even foul play. One of the most widely circulated rumors was that her suicide was the result of her depression over her supposed breakup with then TVB stud, Kent Tong. Yung did not leave a suicide note.

Barbara starred in many classic TVB dramas at the time, most notably ‘Legend of the Condor Heroes’, and was at the peak of her career. She’s sadly missed by many fans, especially yours truly.  R.I.P.  my little pork bun, Lam Chor-Yin.

80s HK Flashback: Szechuan Swordplay

Hey all, I’ve managed to get my clunky time machine working again, and have found myself back in the heyday of Chinese period soap operas. Familiar scents of juicy meat-filled dumplings and the dastardly pungent aroma of the durian, the devil’s dessert, flits through the air, …oh wait, damn. It’s just that pair of old socks that’s been stinkin’ up the place. Yikes. I’ve been branching out to view television around the globe, usually getting sidetracked along the way, a perilous journey indeed. It’s been a great while since I’ve updated, I think I just needed to be inspired, instead of gorging myself on the endless drivel plaguing US television, oh what a ravenous zombie I’ve become, heh.

Shaw Brothers Studio, famous for endless kung-fu and swordplay movie mega-blockbusters of the 70s, began focusing their efforts on the small screen in the mid 80s, and went full force with the project in the 90s. They created TVB, China’s largest and most watched network. Filling the airwaves with loads of historical and modern dramas, created a place where a new generation of Chinese could engulf themselves in their own fantasy world, mingling their robust culture and historical pantheon with the modern boob-tube.

Damn them. Chinese dramas are almost never subtitled in English, I guess they figure that there isn’t a large enough audience to view their small screen gems, outside of the Chinese speaking areas of course, …so there’s no need to waste their precious gold bullion. Ho-hum. Nowadays, more and more companies are providing subtitled versions of their series, to reach out to other audiences who ARE willing to part with their hard earned cash for a nice slice of roast pork flavored entertainment. I am one of those few fans. I cannot speak Chinese, nor will I try to learn, but just the visuals alone are quite stunning and keep me glued to the set, well, that and the info guides I find online to keep me briefed as to the major events unfolding before my eyes. I’ve purchased a few series, to give them a whirl. I wanted to start with one of the first that caught my eye, The Dragon Sword, starring heart throb Miu Kiu Wai. 1986, here we come…

The Dragon Sword is told in three parts: “Unsheathing Sword” Chapter, “Poison Clan” Chapter and “Reforging the Sword” Chapter. I’ve only made it half way through the first segment so that’s where I’ll begin this cinematic hopstop.

Miu Kiu Wai plays Yung Chi Wan, only son and heir to the Holy Sword Sect. While seemingly lazy and more interested in gambling and games than ruling his family’s martial arts sect, he’s quick witted and cunning, he knows what’s going on, just plays dumb at times to fool the rest of the cast. It’s about time for dad to retire and choose a successor amongst his students. The true test will be “Unsheathing the Dragon Sword” . This mystical weapon has been handed down for generations in the Holy Sword Sect, and was Chi Wan’s father’s prized possession. Upon retiring he’s placed it back into the cheap, obviously wooden, gold dragon mantle in their spacious palace living room. Anyone that can pull the sword out will be the next leader. Not an easy task as over a dozen contestants try their luck, all end in failure. (Who’d have thought it’d be that hard to wrestle that giant plastic sword thingy from it’s wooden prop resting place?)

After a freak accident involving a severe thunderstorm, Chi Wan gains super strength and resistance to flames. A good thunderbolt to the head will do that to anyone I gather. He doesn’t even care about the contest or his father’s retirement, all he wants to do is search for the next gambling den, and or lovely little whorehouse. But, he gives it a whirl, and to everyone’s guffaw, the sword easily pops out, glows like a few thousand Lite-Brite bulbs and hums noisily in Chi Wan’s sweaty palms. I think the empire has it’s new ruler, so we’d better get ready for legalized whoring and plenty of new gambling parlors.

Meanwhile, his classmate and rival, the dastardly cunning Ching Long, joins the evil Chi Lien Devil, learns a brutal technique that transforms his hands into red devilish paws with poison claws, and kills Chi Wan’s father to become the leader, and oh yeah, rapes and imprisons Chi Wan’s sexy silk-robed sweetheart. What’s a guy to do?! There’s plenty of pitfalls awaiting out hero, and also a bevy of buxom beauties to swaddle through. Will Chi Wan get the revenge that he seemingly doesn’t care enough about to lift a finger about? Can Ching Long’s devil paws look even more rubberized? Is there an end to the cartoon lightning bolts and space age sound affects during the numerous and exciting sword battles? Keep your eyes peeled here for the conclusion of Chapter One. I’ve gotten this far, and can’t wait to get my fix of television dim-sum, …yum!

Korean Kartoon Bootleggery pt.1

God bless the South Koreans.
Take the cast of G.I. Joe, place them on Eternia, homeworld of He-Man, and sprinkle in a few of Jem’s Misfits, possibly some of the lesser-known Smurfs, (mind you, all horribly drawn and recolored) combine with equal parts Transformers & Voltron plotlines and VOILA! You’ve got a trashtastic, but somewhat average slice of Korean animation. Merely swiping one or two characters or items from an already popular animated program is just not enough for them kimchi-minded peoples. They seem to blindly pilfer (read ‘borrow’) many of these elements from the popular animation of their neighbors in the land of the rising sun.

After the birth of Japan’s “Mazinger Z”, Korea provided their own unique interpretation, “Robot Taekwon V”, complete with martial art moves and head modeled after the ancient Korean war helmet, but it was just really a Mazinger clone at best. Spawning several animated features, he’s become their national hero.  I’ll surely say that the results of Korean animation are mixed, but being an ‘auteur d’obscure’, stumbling upon these gems has slaked my animated thirst quite well.

Korean television animation clearly imitates, albeit badly, its Japanese counterpart.  That’s not to say that they are not worth their own weight in guilty pleasure gold though. Aside from blatantly stealing character designs from completely different anime programs, they seem to merge them together in completely different plotlines as well, which comes off as a quite interesting genre-bending experience. That’s not to say that the Koreans are completely bereft of their own original ideas, but they are a bit less appetizing to say the least.

For example, a recent obsession of mine, “Speed Wang Bungae”  (titled ‘Wings of Dragon’ in the Chinese dub) is a combination of the 90′s RC-Car racing anime series’ “Bakusou Kyodai Let’s & Go” with the popular fad of rollerblading, which don’t mesh well, but does provide some entertaining mindrot. I’m hooked. You take 2 teams of five youngsters, each with their own team RC-Car, and race both the cars and themselves on a hazardous obstacle course, confused yet? I still cant figure out the exact rules, despite the well written English subtitles, heh. While the two rival cars speed along with one team member each controlling it via a handy joystick, the remaining members try and vie for the finish line, using almost Street Fighter inspired defense techniques to achieve the lead. One part “Let’s & Go”, one part “Dragonball Z” add in some rollerblading nonsense, and you get a heady mocktail of mindless afternoon entertainment.

Some of these Korean masterpieces have landed upon our shores, albeit in a delectable bargain basement package. Sold for about $3 in discount dollar stores across the U.S., you can find engaging titles such as “Space Thunder Kids”, “Raiders of Galaxy”, and a personal fave, <drumroll, please> “Protektors of Universe”. With dvd cover art swiped from completely different anime series such as “Space Transformers” utilizing “Akira” and “Mobile Suit Gundam” as it’s main cover art, they are true trash treasures. Coming out of Hong Kong, these badly repackaged fluff-fests are diamonds in the rough.  Watching the opening credit sequence of what’s intelligently titled “Space Transformers” is about as exciting as watching leaded paint dry. With ridiculously crafted names such as Jack E. Chan, and Nancy Yamato (you see, them thar Chinese decided to make a bundle on these monstrosities dubbing them into broken English) to try and pass this wonderful muck off as Western animation, you’d never know their true origin was Korea. So, for starters, lets assume the unwitting audience thinks this was created here in the good ole U.S. of A, but leave the Korean theme song, by annoying Asian kiddies intact, blaring loudly, over a blank red screen, which was tacked over the probably ever more interesting original ad mattes.  How very captivating, right? In just the opening 5 minutes of “Space Thunder Kids” alone, you are treated to starships from “Space Cruiser Yamato” lasering through the White Base of “Mobile Suit Gundam” (recolored red) as “Crusher Joe” pilots the autobot Inferno of “Transformers” (here renamed Phoenix King?!) all set to a synthpop version of the “Saint Seiya” theme. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, …the evil space dictator just happens to be Solomon Grundy from the “Superfriends” Absolutely incredible. Wowsers. Can anyone say ‘copyright infringement lawsuit’? I guess those words don’t exist in the Korean language.  …to be continued. =)

a sweet challenge. segunda parte.

So, I can finally breathe easy again. I’ve finished another segment of this nail-biting novela in all it’s nachofied glory. When we last left the gorgeous Lucero Sandoval, she had reconciled with the now lame Sylvia. No sooner has she returned to school, she schemes with Lucero’s worst enemiga, Rebeca, to destroy her. Poor little mulatto Marcela was her first victim. Coming from a strict family with a military grandfather as her guardian, Marcela is a meek mouse in a house of cats. She keeps a diary of all her hopes and dreams, forbidden by her grandfather, secretly under her mattress. Rebeca steals it away during the night and blackmails Marcela to be her slave for the semester. She’d rather do her bidding then to have her private fantasies exposed to the rest of the Casa de Piedra school. Lucero battles with Rebeca constantly, the usual high school drama queen shenanigans rising to an ultimate catfight leaving Rebeca marked with Lucero’s vicious claws as a memento. Back at the Sandoval household, Rosario, the new woman of the house, seems to volley between the whims of her evil mother & brother, and the man she truly loves. Hated by both Lucero and her older sister Beatriz, she tries her best to please them all, with no satisfaction on the horizon. Rosario, a sultry vixen in her own right, was forced by her mother, at a virginal 16, into slavery to Refugio Santos, as payment for a debt. A cruel and sadistic character, Refugio was sent to prison and busts out, waltzing his way to Cd. de Mexico looking to claim his young runaway bride. He figures the best thing to do would be to blackmail Rosario into getting his grubby paws on some of the Sandoval fortune, and he’ll also have his way with her if all goes well…

Meanwhile, a torrid romance is blossoming between Joel Quintana & Beatriz. Even though Joel seems to be sincere, I know he’s plotting to marry her for the Sandoval fortune and revert to his evil ways once there’s no turning back. Weak Beatriz begins to experience a series of blackouts, is her health in danger? Can true love conquer all?

Joel, being Rosario’s brother, seems to want to use her position in the household to cement his future, taking up a position in the Sandoval Industries and claiming one of his daughters for himself. But this monkey likes to play rough. A few blackouts later, we find out that Beatriz has been diagnosed with leukemia! But Sr. Sandoval decides to keep the secret to himself, not even poor Beatriz knows the painful truth. Despite his knowledge about Joel’s shady dealings he decides to give him consent to marry his sickly daughter, as a voiceover narrates over the blaring salsafied soundtrack, “3 moths of life left, 3 months of life left, 3 months of life left” Enrique & Lucero have finally admitted their love for each other, causing Botho (her childhood sweetheart) to go insane with jealousy, despite having the evil Rebeca at his side. The two lovebirds begin secretly meeting for quiet makeout sessions in the abandoned school buildings, pledging their love for one another in a decidedly steamy way. It seems nothing can tear these fated lovers apart. Nothing except the fear she has that her father will not approve. He begins to encourage Lucero, an avid runner, to compete in the inter-school racing championships, a sure win for her school. As she despises the evil Principal Mancera, making her participate will be a real challenge.

Fearing that Sandoval will leave her if he knows the truth, Rosario concocts a scheme to get the money she needs to pay off Refugio, & reclaim the copies of their marriage certificate he holds as ransom. She dare not ask him for a loan, all in all she is a decent woman. So, her family convinces her to sell some of the family jewels, but to cover up the secret, she must pretend to have been robbed. She begs her brother to punch her in the face and rough her up so it looks like a real robbery took place. How sad and desperate a woman Rosario is, to protect her love for Sandoval and hide the shriveled skin of her former self. It works though, as she dials for help and plays the victim to perfection.

But at the same time, her money hungry mother pleas with Sandoval for a loan, for the exact same sum, claiming she needs to pay off a certain ‘debt’. He obliges willingly.Now the Quintana’s have double the sum of money, surely Refugio will let them live in peace, or will he?

a sweet challenge pt.1

Just imagine for a second that 80′s television debutante Blaire Warner, not only won the hearts of her little schoolgirl peers, but also boffed and bagged the hunky professor to boot? Well, in ‘Dulce Desafio’, Lucero Sandoval does just that, and then some.

‘Sweet Challenge’, the mexican version of Facts of Life, well sorta, just became the next victim of my vampiric telenovela lust. Lucero, rebelious daughter of a high ranking businessman, has been tossed out of every school in the whole stinkin’ nachoverse. So, her daddy sets up a boarding school himself, to prevent any scare of expulsion. His wife died when Lucero was young, so he’s a bit of a bitter beaver. As Lucero cuases mayhem at the school, her father remarries a Joan Collins wannabe and moves her own conniving mother into the Sandoval household (a true staple of telenovelas, the warring in-laws)

I’m 1/3 of the way through the series and so far heres the fun stuff: Lucero & the girls are grounded for the weekend and decide to throw a party on campus. (the soundtrack is amazingly cheesetastic, with blaring blips and bleeps over a robotic synth melody) Sylvia, a classmate, wants to run off and see her father, so Lucero convinces one of the thugs at the party to take her to town on his motorcycle, he does, and they get into a car accident. (Even though she gently slips off the bike, apparently she is crippled for life and will never walk again! yikes!)

A mysterious mexi-hunk rolls onto campus astride a Kawasaki rice rocket, who can he be? Enrique, the school’s new psychiatrist! All 6’3″ ripped ounces of him tower over the girls, as he slicks back his cropped black mullet doo, quietly concealing his heart of gold. All the girls gush & wet their pants, hounding him like bitches in heat, all except Lucero.  She wants nothing to do with new hunky teacher, …or does she? Turns out Enrique’s already got a girlfriend, but for how long?

As she rots in the dingy hospital, Sylvia blames Lucero for her injuries. pobre, pobre chiquitita… whats a girl to do? To earn her trust as a good teacher, Enrique takes Lucero for a quick hospital visit to cheer Sylvia up. Confronted with the two, Sylvia barks angrily until Enrique taunts her with a nasty comment from the headmaster. Sylvia musters her strength and with Lucero’s help walks a few steps, albeit with some trouble. With a new lease on life, two friends are reunited.

tiny guacamole tears

Now that Rebelde is over, I’ve got to find another telenovela to slake my thirst. I’ve debated going back to japanese dramas to brush up on my Nipponese, but something awful is grabbing hold of me and redirecting me back to Mexico City, could it be the churros? Theres tons to choose from, but only so few released in the US with subtitles. Even tho I took Spanish for 5 years, I still have trouble watching and deciphering everything and still being able to enjoy whats actually going on half the time. So my options are limited.

Mexican novelas usually fall into three categories. Firstly theres the modern drama, based loosely on our soaps. Predictably populated with beautiful pompous people, silver skyscraper settings and horrendous acting. Then, theres the historical drama, something I’ve yet to sink my teeth into. (Amor Real comes to mind firstly, since it stars lucious vixen Adela Noriega) These series usually take place during the Revolution era and concern the trials and romantic tribulations among the classes. Bosting very high production values, they illustrate a very different Mexico then I’d originally conceived. Lastly, the drama comedy, which just looks completely asenine to me. Those Mexicans seem to love watching impoverished adults acting like children, dressed up in silly spandex superhero costumes for no apparent reason. (Chesperito) or hicks and hillbillies leaving the pastoral country side for the lure of city life. (La India Maria) No thanks.

Telenovelas, te quiero…

I’ve

I’ve easily run the full film spectrum in my few short years of life. I’ve seen the wonders that are sexy Japanese female biker gang flicks, vomitizing Indonesian gross-out horror zombiethons, bargain basement Turkish superhero tributes, and countless other thrid-world cinematic gems. The current flavor of the month, which i crave ravenously, the decadent world of Mexican telenovelas.

Who’d have thought that these cheaply produced television soap operas could pack such a whallop? Me, for damn sure. I’m not sure exactly what came over me, and posessed me to purchase the abrdiged version of a lil treasure we now know as “La Madrastra” (The Stepmother) Could it have been the lure of knock-em-dead gorgeous and decidedly dangerous looking Victoria Ruffo’s emblazoned gaze on the DVD’s front cover? Or the promises of caliente catfights, socialite serial killers and arduos adultery? Well, nothing would prepare me for the black magic rituals, switched-at-birth dilemmas, clown masked psycho slashers or even the saccharine sweet love stories woven throughout this trashy telenovela tapestry!

The delectable drama in a nutshell. A woman is wrongly accused of murdering her adulterous best friend, and sent to prison, as her entire family laughs maniacally at her demise. She decides to clear her name and finds enough evidence to prove her innocence, for now. She goes back to Mexico City, in secret, and hides in the shadows to find the real murderer and the secrets that lay within her once happy family, now corrupted by power and greed. Waiting in the wings to reveal herself at the right moment and claim her rightful place back as the mother and caregiver of her family.

Things are not easy for her. Her husband has told his children that their mother has died in a fiery blaze, as her portrait (of a completely different woman) hangs in their home as a monument to the mother that never existed in their eyes. Can her children understand the truth behind all this double crossing and interfamilial squabbling? Who is the real culprit, and what are the motives for the bloody slashing? Can the truth finally be revealed?

Woven into this television trashtacular are the finest elements of american soaps with the added intensity and violence so common to the mexican cinema. I was hooked form the first moment and never looked back. Guilty pleasures abound and undiscovered treasures await me as I sort through the highly caloric nacho cheesery, that is the mexican telenovela world.

Kamikaze Girls

Japanese pop culture sure has an alarming share of fans in the West. Guess its’ sheer oddness undoubtedly explains a large part of this zany appeal. With it’s eye on the eccentricities of Japanese fashion obsessions, Kamikaze Girls fleshes out its bubblegum world with an infectious brand of humor.
Meet Momoko, a ‘Lolita’ (an outlandish brew of pre-pubescent sweet-suckling vamp, Wednesday Addams and fantastical French maiden). Clothed in pristine frilly Bo-Peep dresses, she dreams of getting to Harajuku, metropolitan Lolita shopping wonderland. But she’s way out in the country and a ticket costs a hefty yen. Her petty criminal father scammed his way across the continent hawking fake
Versace handbags. Now stuck amongst the cow shit and paddy fields of rural Ibaraki prefecture, she yearns for adventure and to live like French aristocracy. Introducing Ichiko. A proud ‘Yanki’ (fashionable gangster gal) and member of fierce she-biker pack, The Ponytails, she sports a wild blonde coiff, Elvis snarl lip and some mean eyeliner. Let’s not forget to mention her amazingly rad, tricked-out moped. A real tough cookie, and beautiful as all hell. Her arrival in Ibaraki leads to a very peculiar sort of friendship, one which guarantees that Momoko’s life is about to change forever. Wanting to emblazon her gang jacket as a
gift to her leader, she desperately seeks to find a legendary Harajuku embroiderer.

Together, this unlikely duo strike an amazing punch as they journey through dangerous back-alley pachinko parlors, chic fashion boutiques, and ratty bike-punk infested hoods to each meet their ultimate goals. What follows must be seen to be believed. Will these two lovely ladies,

on opposite sides of the fashion spectrum reach the heavenly gates of Harajuku?It’s a sugary, luridly colored confection shot through with just enough grit, heart  and humor to prevent it from ever descending into irritating sweetness. Kamikaze Girls oozes kitsch to undreamt levels, with a lollipop pastel-hued, pop-cultural potpourri pink-knuckle sandwich.

Mr. Bond

Bollywood Bond-a-likes. Yes, they simply DO exist. Let’s focus our collective peepers on the 1992 action-thriller Mr. Bond, starring Hindu mega hunk, Akshay Kumar. With bargain basement visuals, neon spandex a-go-go, and an even skimpier budget, Mr. Bond rips off the classic, “Never Say Never Again”. Bollywood plots have tended to be hyper melodramatic, and this mixed masala is no exception. India‘s greatest detective has spent his entire career bringing most of Bombay’s Most Wanted to justice. No fancy techno gadgets here, but a damn fresh Casio digital watch! When the sinister Dragon, international crime turd with an army of ninja henchman, begins kidnapping kids, he faces one of his toughest cases yet, not to mention India’s worst dressed pedophile. Dragon’s ninjas even sport the authentic uniform of ski-mask, black t-shirt, sweats and white tennis shoes! Bond kidnaps Dragon’s brother, in exchange for the kiddies, but to no avail. As the bodies pile up, all holy hell is about to break loose!

A wonderfully tacky adaptation, following the Bond rulebook with sneaky spies, conniving villains, plus the addition of a great synthpop soundtrack. Being a true Bollywood film, there’s song-and-dance numbers woven into the script.

As Bond begins his daily workout, muscles oiled and crotch stuffed, several Hindi honeybuns flank him left and right, and begin gyrating as the bombastic beats start pumpin’, and its an erotic aerobic workout video gone achingly awry, as they profess their love for him. It’s totally tandoorific, ladies. Another great scene has Bond infiltrating a huge opium den, writhing divas and swarthy mates abound. Everyone is goin’ heavy on the hashish as Bond is tempted by some sexily-clad vamps.  It truly looks like it was filmed inside of a supervillain’s mountain getaway, complete with hanging cages, flowing silk banners, and a creepy looking bunch of tattooed thugs to match. All this is accompanied by Bond singing the praises of smoking hash and getting high to a groovy synth track with some trippy strobe & smoke effects.Will Bond save Bombay from Dragon’s nuclear threats? Do the kiddies make a safe return to their rich but disturbingly bored looking parents? Can Akshay ever be able to wash off all that massage oil? …and finally get his well deserved end-of-movie nookie? Grab yourself some curry puffs, tune out and enjoy. Previously unavailable on DVD and out of print, it’s finally resurfaced from Eros International, in a pristine subtitled print in all its hunky glory.